If you trust in me I can be that through anything you need

I don't like that I don't trust people much anymore.I don't know if I ever did.Grade 3 fucked shit up I think. I've been working on finding a balance between being nice and not being a pushover since then. And I go too far on both sides every time I try to change it. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot of the time. When I'm happy. Or excited. But not many people know when I'm sad. Or mad. Except in the blog world. Then everyone knows.

But I don't like hurting people. So I don't like telling people when I'm mad. Or upset.And I'm also scared that they won't come back if I scare them away. If someone is mad at me, I'll almost always come crawling back. I let people push me around. and it's almost all because I want to please people. Like that stupid personality test said. I don't want to hurt peoples feelings, so I sacrifice my own happiness for that.

Blech, I don't even have anything to say. Just be nice to me. And be a good friend. And be excellent to eachother. For serious.

Have you seen her all in gold?

www.colorquiz.com
I had to try this.
I just clicked on some colours. Yo.

Your Existing Situation

"Creative and emotional, looking for ways to further expand those qualities. Looking for a partner who enjoys the same activities. Seeking adventure and new and unusual activities."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of herself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover.

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Your Desired Objective

"Looking to make a good impression and be recognized for her achievements. she has a strong need to feel appreciated and look up to. she is very sensitive and will be hurt if she is rejected, unnoticed, or not given adequate acknowledgement."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."


This must be why I don't like when people are mad at me. And I wonder if it makes everyone as upset as it makes me. I don't want it to fester ever. And I don't like when my brother is mad at me. Or my friends. Or when I want to let eveything out but when I know some people won't like it, and that I won't be accepted/liked.
I don't like that about me.
I do like that I'm real.
Unless I'm too scared to be...

Tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'

I never blame fate. But I often thank it. When something good happens I can say that was meant to be. But when something bad happens, it's just not as easy to believe. It's like god. I'm a christian, but in the past... year I suppose it's been really hard to believe. Recent events have made me question the validity of my religion, but I don't want to let it go anyways because I feel there will always be a part of me that believes. And there will always be that 9 year old inside me who was scared of dying in her sleep that prayed so hard every night, and repeats the same prayer, just by habit in her head every night.

Shit happens.

Thats just part of life. Everybody knows it, and I don't think anyone denies it either. I don't think anyone thinks the world is perfect. Even naive children have fears, whether they come from the unknown, or from the warnings from parents, teachers, and maybe even'the big kids'. But the world is a beautiful place. No matter how bad it gets, it can always get better.

I was reading your old blogs and I almost cried. I can't even fathom anymore those weak, helpless feelings I felt for the better part of last year.I don't mean that I forget. I know what they feel like. Reading those blogs made them all rush back pretty quickly. I just mean that I can't believe that I felt that way for so long. And you felt a lot of the same things I did. So that makes me wonder if it was fate. Or luck. Or devine intervention. But then, if I think about everything it could have been, I also think... Why should I have to choose? It happened. And i am happy again. And I have been happy for a long time now. This is not one of those tiny little waves I got every once in a while last year. I believe this is permanent. At least until... whatever it is, decides to send me another little suprise. But I've grown up so much since this all began. I've learned so much. I've become more independant, even if I do make my parents make me pb&j still.

I believe in Valentines day. We get a little busy sometimes, and we forget to remind those we love that we really do love them. Sometimes we just need a little push.

I don't believe in Valentines day. I believe in loving everyday. I believe in being mushy, and cheesy, but not because we're told to, or that we think we should be, but because thats the only way we can let out whats in our heart.

So I love you. I love whoever is reading this, because if you've made it this far, you might just care a little about what I have to say. And I appreciate that.

Bust mostly, I love YOU. You changed my entire highschool experience. Without you, I could still be in that state that I don't even want to think about anymore. I could still be searching around at lunch, remembering the days when everything was easy. Wanting to go back to my childhood where I didn't have to deal with all that bullshit. I could still be crying. Okay... I lied, I am crying. But it's because I am remembering the bad times. But the important thing is, is that those times are in the past. And we have more adventures in the future. I know I say I love you too much. And I know it loses some meaning because of that. But When I say it, every single time I say it to you, I mean it. Reading your blogs, I was sad that you weren't around for Nick. And That I wasn't around for Ira. I was sad that we met when we did. But at the same time, I was so happy we met when we did. Maybe because of that, we are as close as we are now. If fate was in charge, I think it waited until we were grown up enough to meet eachother. And mature enough to watch sophisticated films such as Bill and Ted and use vast vocabulary such as heinous and bodacious. I'm lucky to have you around. And I wanted to tell you I loved you, on February 15th. And its as true as it ever has been and ever will be.

Oh, and just before I forget... be excellent to eachother.

We were strangers at one point

I wish we were childhood friends.
Think of the adventures we could have had...

Painfully slow enough

Sometimes the tears just well up in your eyes, but they never fall. But sometimes, theres just too many tears and no matter how hard you try not to blink, the tears will eventually be too much for your head to hold and they will fall by themselves. Leaving you with tear stains on your cheeks so everyone can see how you really feel. Even through silent sobs and deep breaths, they'll know. And sometimes, the music overthrows you. And you don't know what to do with your body but you just move and it knows.And even when it doesn't turn out perfect, the passion in there shines through and makes it amazing anyways. And sometimes that can fix a lot of things. At least in your mind. And if you can remember that moment, and remember the full feeling in your heart it can help a lot.

The word annex reminds me of Anne Frank, so it scares me

I write blogs in my head first during the day sometimes, and by the time I get to writing them those thoughts are gone. But the important ones stay.

...

I bet you're regretting that moment.
I bet you're regretting making that decision.
But you didn't know that this would happen. You couldn't know.
I hope you're not beating yourself up for making that choice.
I hope you have hope.
I hope you can see the bright side of everything, even though, especially now it is very very hard.
I hope you have faith in your god, or whatever.
I hope you have faith in science.
I hope you have faith in the people who want to help you.
I just really hope you have hope.
I hope love can help the healing process.
I hope that the future is promising, and that you will power through and use everything you have for the best
I hope that this is all a dream and you're really okay.

This puts everything into perspective.It makes me notice every time someone is complaining now.This makes us all come together a little more. This makes us all realize that we can't take the little things for granted. And not just the little things, but EVERYTHING.

I'm hoping. and I'm praying. and I have faith that the future will help you.
Stay strong, and stay positive.
We're all here for you.
xoxo

Diary of a kid lacking wisdom teeth

Now that I've had the experience, I would like to share some tips with all my good friends who will have to endure this in the future.

1. EAT. First few days, I couldn't really eat, so I just didn't but then I got all weak and lost 10 pounds and I could barely walk. I really don't know how anorexic people do it... I want real food so bad right now. After 6 days, I am pretty done with liquids. But seriously, get some food in your gullet and you will feel much less...wobbly

2. Don't fall behind on your pain killers! Codeine will not make most people very high contrary to popular belief and if you follow the dosing, you won't just suddenly get addicted so don't be afraid of it or something. IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC.

3. Speaking of pills, take the disgusting antibiotics, no matter how hard they are to swallow. Blech they're like horse pills

4. Only be a vegetable for like 2 or 3 days. Then you have to get up and drop the icepacks so the swelling will go down. Unfortunately, even after going to school I am still a chipmunk, fuck.me.

5. Speaking of icepacks, keep those babies on for the first 48 hours. They help pain, but mostly they just keep the swelling down a bit.

6. DO THE NASTY RINSE. You don't want no infection. I'll smack a bitch if I get one. That being said, I needa go take my antibiotic! Wahoo!