Why now...

I haven't written a blog here in a while. I moved some things to tumblr, but this needed to be here.

"We are Children of the Sun
But more specifically, YOU are a child of the sun. You are so giving and so loving and so open to the world still, and I envy you that some of the time, but then it goes and throws up in your face a little, and I remember that people like you sometimes need a little extra protecting, and when the protecting doesn't help they just need a little extra love given right back to them before they can bounce back. I'm not as good at the giving and the loving and the being open as you are, but I am a pretty decent listener and I have a fairly good crying shoulder, even though you said you've already had enough of crying. The point, I guess, is that you are so consistently determined to see the best bits in people and in the world that sometimes you get your hopes up prematurely. I hope that's a fair analysis."

Erin Evoy wrote this about me last year. I got a little heart broken by a real good guy. But now, its different. Things here are not the way I want them to be. I need to find the respect for myself that I once had. I don't want boys to think I'm easy. I'm really not. But Erin was right, I get my hopes up prematurely and I see the good in everyone so fast that I can't help but love everyone. But people don't understand that. They don't get why or how I can get so close to people so fast. I always thought the ability to find the genuine bits of people was a good thing. But apparently people don't like that. I lost one of my best friends in high school over this. I just wish people understood. I wish my situation wasn't so unique. I wish people I hung out with could know why I do the things I do. I wish I could explain it to them. But I can't. Because even after hours of talking it wouldn't make sense. Their point of view would stick around- I know because thats how people are. It hurts so much for a person to say 'i'm not sticking up for you anymore'. I can't even explain how much those exact words have hurt me in the past, and how much they're hurting me now. I thought I found my place. I thought people would accept me for what I am now. But Its exactly the same. It is EXACTLY the same. And that scares me so so much.