Perhaps I knew all along

The closest blog I have to a year from today was from December 18th 2009. Perhaps I could postpone this blog until then, but I want to get it out of the way, just like everyone else.

Grade 11 Katie wrote: "I honestly can't be held down by your insecurities that I'm going to leave you as a friend or something. I guess this whole "BFFAE" thing isn't going to work out."

I had forgotten about that. Maybe I knew it was coming. I acted like it all happened so fast, but that right there, that shows that I knew. Maybe it was a toxic freindship, as she would say.But then, how did I not realize? And also, how has it not even been a year yet? It seems like eons. I felt like it would take forever to get over it at the time anyways, but now, it seems so far in the distance it's hard to believe I never thought it would end. It's hard to believe it even happened. How will I feel about it in 10 years? or even 5?

It's hard for me to say "grade 11 Katie" did this, and "grade 12 katie" does this. Because it is nowhere near that black and white.There is too many places where I cpuld break it up, and say where I saw changes in myself, for the better, for the worse, for the better again.Grade 11 was a rollercoaster. December grade 11, I was worried I was going to lose my best friend. January grade 11,that became a reality. Spring grade 11, I became closer with one of the best people I know now. And somehow, that was so unexpected, and moving into that was one of the scariest transitions I've ever gone through. Grade 11 Katie hugged everyone in that hall that she knew. Pre-Winter/Winter Grade 11 Katie was so willing to give all her love to everyone. Spring Grade 11 Katie was scared to let anyone in. She gave up on people. She even distinctly said "I hate people" more than once. Something Winter Katie never would have said and something Grade 12 Katie doesn't even want to think. Because in reality, there is so many amazing people who helped me get through that whole situation. So many people who stopped Spring Katie from cutting off everyone from her world. Those people that broke through that little shell that built itself up around me. Those are the people that saved me. Those are the people who I truly care about.

Grade 12 Katie embraces every moment. Just like grade 10 Katie did. Grade 10 Katie loved everything and everyone and was determined to not let anything make her sad. Grade 12 Katie deals with sadness a lot differently now. Maybe she embraces it because she knows that out of a great sadness comes a great appreciation for everything that is good. Without hurt, you cannot heal. And without sadness, you can't feel true happiness. You can't really appreciate those moments that make your heart want to explode. You can't appreciate the people who love you until you feel the pain of losing that love from someone you cared about so much. The point is, grade 12 Katie has moved on. Grade 12 Katie doesn't want to dwell on the things that make her sad, because there is too many things to be happy about. Now, I cry it out. And move on. The crying out stage has been significantly shortened, and I'm happier, and healthier because of it. Grade 12 Katie still does not have a boy. Grade 12 Katie still wants a boy.But Grade 12 Katie wants. Grade 12 Katie does not need. Grade 12 Katie doesn't need anyone else to be her happiness, although there is some people who she sure does like having around.

Grade 11 Katie however knew what she wanted to do with her life. Grade 12 Katie does not. I feel like I did that a little backwards.Grade 12 Katie has so much to say. She wants to explore her history. She wants to look at how she got here,she wants to write an auto biography. She probably will. Someday.

Grade 12 Katie doesn't know what to do with herself.

I am bored of the routine. I want something big and exciting to happen, but I'm scared at the same time. Maybe the safety of the routine isn't so bad. I sometimes just like the way things are. But maybe thats just because I want something good to happen. Not something that makes me go bleh. Because I bleh too much these days. Fortunately,I eee a lot too, so it kinda makes up for it. My heart hurts. I need some sleep.
love.
love.



love.

Da doo ron ron

Have I had 2 happy blogs in a row? I think so. Time for a sad one.

I hate that I always fall for the wrong boy. And even when things are going so good, and everything seems right, it all falls apart and I am again, left alone. Lost in this world. It's like I knew all along, but I could hope and hope so much that it wasn't going to end. That we weren't going to have to have that talk.It was shortlived, but like Cory said, at least we can still have those times that make us happy, but as friends. Different, but maybe just as good.On the other hand, I love my friends who make me feel better, and who put up with me so much. You are all da best, and make me happier than a bird with a french fry. Yes, I'm back to that. I love life too much to be sad. I cried it out enough, and now, I want things to go back. There is nothing to "get over" my life has not changed, and a boy should not rule how I feel. I don't want to be that girl. I do however plan to kick his ass if he isn't still a good friend.Because he said so. So there. Thats all I have to say. Plus, theres 3on3 basketball tomorrow, so I am so so stoked. Yay life being good still =)

Excellent.

Maybe I shouldn't become a doctor. It seems like everyone except Ms.Vickers thinks I'm a good writer. Maybe I could use that. I feel like writing is such a good channel for me. Maybe I could make something out of it. Hmm hmm I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I feel distracted. A little absent, but at the same time living in the moment completely. In math today, Mr.Lam was explaining something straight to me, and I have no idea what he said. Nothing was sinking in. Everything went in one ear and out the other, if not right over my head. I don't feel very tired. I just don't really know whats up.

I do know that I had a very good week, and I'm looking forward to so many things. For starters, Sunday is the WESTERN FINAL! And I want the Stamps to win so so bad. I will probably cry if they lose. I'm gettin obsessed. I'm going to miss my father daughter bonding at the football games next year. =( Second, I signed up for the 3on3 basketball intermurals next week and I am so so stoked. I miss basketball so much, hopefully I haven't lost my skills altogether. That'd be pretty fucking sad. Maybe I'll go to open gym this weekend too... brush up on my 3 pointers ;). Thirdly, I have a boy interest. And I haven't really had a legit boy interest in a while, so I'm glad this one popped up, because things were getting a little dull. Definitely time to shake things up.Fourth, I had snitch cake today. And it was delicious. And i shared in with said boy interest which made me happy. It does not make me happy that people are heckeling me about it now, because though I have a pretty tough skin, I also have the biggest blush reflex ever, and I do not handle that very well. But that's fine. I can't complain because everything is going so well. ALSO Othello ABC's are done!Yesss! After school today, I made Christmas decorations with leadership and I got one of those warm fuzzies you get when a group of people do something just simple and nice, and you feel like you're a part of something. It made my week even better. So excited for the weekend, maybe playin some bball, hanging out with my favorite girl, hanging out with boy interest and going to the football game of the year. Life is swell.SO swell.

Trick Tap

Noone has blogged in a little while. Except Lyndsay, she had like, 3 new ones. She would. ;) I open blogger or whatever this website is called like everyday,and then I just close it because I have nothing to write about. My life for some reason is stagnant right now and it hasn't been in so so long. I guess there may be some things going on, and I just feel like things are standing still because I've been weekending, but not having an exciting weekend.That must be it. I crush on the boy that I know doesn't like me. Everytime. Except this time is just stupider somehow. Stop that Katie McLean, you are not helping yourself. In other news, I am going to Mexico for Christmas and I have never been, and I have always been home for Christmas. I'm super excited but at the same time, haveing a pineapple top as my Christmas tree will be weird. I like having Jeffy home, even though he is a poo. Life as an only child is boring, I need some abuse sometimes. That's all.

I'm lost in the world

First off, let me just say that Kanyes "runaway" video is my new favorite thing and I keep watching it over and over because it makes me sooo happy. My favorite is I'm lost in the world though, because it starts out all slow and sad and then gets all rhythmic and chill I love it. The music in it is so so good and I love it all, but the message is even better. It's so simple, and it's one people bring up all the time, but it's also one thats never worked at. Kindof like peace on earth, everyone wants it, but we still go for it and have wars. I guess it's not really the same, that just makes me sad too. The point is though, that everytime something different comes along, people can't accept it and they try to change it. I think it's because people are so afraid. People are afraid of things they don't understand. They don't want to have to learn to deal with something new. Kanyes world has so much colour, it makes me want to notice all the pretty things in mine. I want to say thankyou to everyone who has accepted me for me in my life. I feel like I've done a lot of soul searching recently and I've tried to figure shit out. But when it comes down to it, I mostly end up right where I was in the beginning. I was a crazy little kid with no inhibitions and I've changed so much since then in some ways, but when it really comes down to the core of my personality, THAT'S who I am. I am that little kid with all the energy and love in the world and I just want to give it to everyone. But unfortunately, everyone doesn't always want that love. And people don't understand that, and they can't always handle all the energy. So I try to contain it. But then it ends up bursting out in a negative energy because it doesn't like being pent up like that. So again, for everyone who has accepted that, and accepted me, I want you to feel the love flow. Appreciate that energy because it's my soul. I give everyone everything I have. And I put significant effort into every relationship I have.To my family, to my friends, to my aquaintances... I want EVERYONE to be them. My goal in being around someone is to make their true colours shine through, because they can feel comfortable with me. Because of that energy flow that is constantly moving between people. I don't want to be changed. I vowed a long time ago to never lose myself. And I'm sorry if people can't handle that. Since I know exactly who reads this, I can say personally to all of you that I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. I wouldn't write all this to people I didn't care about. Sure, any random internet person can read this, but really

Rachel: your insight on life, on... everything, makes me want to spend more time with you every single time we talk. There is many problems with this "us not hanging out deal" and we need to fix that very soon.

Hannah: We have so many of the same views on things, so many of the same turmoils and we appreciate so many of the same things. You make me smile so hard, and I cannot wait until we hang out for real.Soon. I love you.

Erin: Kay I'm pretty sure you hear I love you from me way too often, even though I tried to cut back, but I really do. I know I overreact about a lot of things, but there goes that energy again, and it shows itself in so many different ways. I care about you more than you know. I know I never was made for the in crowd. I was never meant to have just a select group of friends. I was never meant to sit in a desk all day.But I still like TRYING all those things, just to see. Too bad I like them all, maybe that's why I'm so confused all the time. Point is, I want you to be happy because if you are happy, I am.

Lyndsay: I really like seeing your face in the math mirror. We're going to have to fix that soon. Yes, I know it's just a reflection BUT. I love it. You are stupendous and your bollywooding cracks me right up. I'm too white for that. Thanks for all your tips...tips.( see what I did there? ;) )

Anyone else who reads my blog, I'm sorry. I was unaware. I'm sure you are a spectacular person. I'm even more for the "everyone is beautiful" thing nowadays and my judgemental habits are ever more slowly slipping away and it makes me happy because maybe, just maybe I can eventually make a change. Not entirely sure how, but maybe. Now, if you take anything at all away from this make it a renewed sense of people. People do things for a reason you know, and never forget that energy thats the driving force of every human interaction. Feel it, embrace it, learn from it, and love it.