Perhaps I knew all along

The closest blog I have to a year from today was from December 18th 2009. Perhaps I could postpone this blog until then, but I want to get it out of the way, just like everyone else.

Grade 11 Katie wrote: "I honestly can't be held down by your insecurities that I'm going to leave you as a friend or something. I guess this whole "BFFAE" thing isn't going to work out."

I had forgotten about that. Maybe I knew it was coming. I acted like it all happened so fast, but that right there, that shows that I knew. Maybe it was a toxic freindship, as she would say.But then, how did I not realize? And also, how has it not even been a year yet? It seems like eons. I felt like it would take forever to get over it at the time anyways, but now, it seems so far in the distance it's hard to believe I never thought it would end. It's hard to believe it even happened. How will I feel about it in 10 years? or even 5?

It's hard for me to say "grade 11 Katie" did this, and "grade 12 katie" does this. Because it is nowhere near that black and white.There is too many places where I cpuld break it up, and say where I saw changes in myself, for the better, for the worse, for the better again.Grade 11 was a rollercoaster. December grade 11, I was worried I was going to lose my best friend. January grade 11,that became a reality. Spring grade 11, I became closer with one of the best people I know now. And somehow, that was so unexpected, and moving into that was one of the scariest transitions I've ever gone through. Grade 11 Katie hugged everyone in that hall that she knew. Pre-Winter/Winter Grade 11 Katie was so willing to give all her love to everyone. Spring Grade 11 Katie was scared to let anyone in. She gave up on people. She even distinctly said "I hate people" more than once. Something Winter Katie never would have said and something Grade 12 Katie doesn't even want to think. Because in reality, there is so many amazing people who helped me get through that whole situation. So many people who stopped Spring Katie from cutting off everyone from her world. Those people that broke through that little shell that built itself up around me. Those are the people that saved me. Those are the people who I truly care about.

Grade 12 Katie embraces every moment. Just like grade 10 Katie did. Grade 10 Katie loved everything and everyone and was determined to not let anything make her sad. Grade 12 Katie deals with sadness a lot differently now. Maybe she embraces it because she knows that out of a great sadness comes a great appreciation for everything that is good. Without hurt, you cannot heal. And without sadness, you can't feel true happiness. You can't really appreciate those moments that make your heart want to explode. You can't appreciate the people who love you until you feel the pain of losing that love from someone you cared about so much. The point is, grade 12 Katie has moved on. Grade 12 Katie doesn't want to dwell on the things that make her sad, because there is too many things to be happy about. Now, I cry it out. And move on. The crying out stage has been significantly shortened, and I'm happier, and healthier because of it. Grade 12 Katie still does not have a boy. Grade 12 Katie still wants a boy.But Grade 12 Katie wants. Grade 12 Katie does not need. Grade 12 Katie doesn't need anyone else to be her happiness, although there is some people who she sure does like having around.

Grade 11 Katie however knew what she wanted to do with her life. Grade 12 Katie does not. I feel like I did that a little backwards.Grade 12 Katie has so much to say. She wants to explore her history. She wants to look at how she got here,she wants to write an auto biography. She probably will. Someday.

Grade 12 Katie doesn't know what to do with herself.

I am bored of the routine. I want something big and exciting to happen, but I'm scared at the same time. Maybe the safety of the routine isn't so bad. I sometimes just like the way things are. But maybe thats just because I want something good to happen. Not something that makes me go bleh. Because I bleh too much these days. Fortunately,I eee a lot too, so it kinda makes up for it. My heart hurts. I need some sleep.
love.
love.



love.