Where is your head Katherine?

The only way I can describe this is strong feelings.
Confused strong feelings.
The excitement of going to university next year was taking over the sadness of what we're leaving behind. And was masking the fears, and apprehension that I have about leaving. But suddenly the tables turned. And all those bad feelings came at once. And a wave of sickness, physical sickness washed over me. And It was something I couldn't shake. But I've cried it out. And I've talked it over a little bit. And I'm going to be okay. Because I have plenty of people who love me. And I know that whenever I need it I'll have my little cousins smiling faces so near by to make me feel better. We're moving forward. And forward is a good direction. If its going to be scary, its going to be new mistakes we learn from, not the same old things. It feels good to feel good. And I want to keep feeling good. I can't ignore this like I have been. I need to face my fears, acknowledge my apprehension, all so I can calm my nerves. I can do this. I will be okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5AtkOF8wTQ&feature=player_embedded#at=80
<3

You're gonna want this back

I have done a lot of thinking lately of why I haven't been crying about leaving ABE. Usually I'm a wreck at times like these. I thought maybe it was because I knew I'd be seeing everyone places anyways. Or maybe I was just supressing the fact that I will miss ABE so so much. Or maybe its because I have way too many happy memories at ABE for me to be sad at a time like this, and not happy, and reminiscent. Or maybe I'm just too excited for whats next.

And I decided it must be a combination of all those things, because I just suddenly got sad. But not too sad. Still so happy at the same time. I can't describe it. It's really bizarre.

The point is, I loved ABE. Even the bad days were made better by all the amazing people, and the amazing spirit that we all have. It is the most supportive, happy, and fun environment and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my 3 years in highschool anywhere else.

Love it.
Love you.

p.s. I cried right before I wrote this. All is well.

As we go on we remember

Dear Class of 2011,

CONGRATULATIONS!
I am so so happy to graduate with all of you. Grad was the most amazing night and I wouldn't have wanted to trek through these three years with anyone else.Abe has been the best school I could have ever hoped for. The spirit that we have as a school is amazing, and the way we support everyone just proves what amazing people we have in our class. From Terry Fox, to benefit week, to mullets, to filthy Fridays, to musical theatre, to bro trips, to house parties, I will never forget any of it. Its hard to believe we only have 10 days left of highschool, 10 days left of public education that we've been working so hard towards for 13 years. This is life as we know it, and its all about to change. I'm excited to move on. But I hate that thought that we won't all see eachother everyday, and that some of you I might not see again. I love you alll. And I love ABE x 12. So, keep in touch, and lets party as hard as we did at grad because
WE DID IT!

Love,

Katie
xoxo

I know the suns still shinin' when I close my eyes

I Am
Euphoric.
Content.
Enjoying every moment.
Blessed.
Elated.
Jubilant.
Flying High.
On Cloud Nine.

Life is going swimmingly.
I feel pretty lately.
Someone told me I looked pretty the other day.
And then someone else agreed and said: yeah, you look smiley.

I like looking Smiley.I like being Smiley.I like being excited for the future, but also living in the moment.I like that I can't wait to go to university, but at the same time I am enjoying every minute I have left of highschool.I like singing.I like how much it means to me and I like the times when I realize that.I like all my classes and I like that I may just beat Billy in chem I juuust might.I like that I have rediscovered my love for the Beatles. I like that I have tanlines and I like that it is warm out. I like that I have a grad 'date' now.I like that I have rose scented mascara,and I love.lovelovelove being so happy.

It really is a great day to be alive.

My life goes on in endless song

I can't stop crying.

This choir has been such a huge part of my life for so long, its hard to believe what life will be like without it.Even for the rest of this year, Not seeing those faces that I am so lucky to sing with every week will be so hard to bear. I would never ever voluntarily leave.

In the finale of the mass, I was literally shaking. I was trying so hard to hold back the tears. And the song was so amazing it was taking over. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to say goodbye to. Leaving highschool is bad enough, but having to leave my second family almost makes me sick.

I love you. All of you.
I have learned so much singing with all of you, and I will miss it so so much.

I don't even know what I want to say anymore. I just can't believe it's over.
It just...can't be.

Travel on

Note the new colours on my blog happen to be Guelph's colours. And that picture up there? Part of the Guelph campus.
I am so happy.
I shed a few tears, but this feels right.

Ontario bound

As I lay awake not knowin' where it will be I'm goin

I don't know what to do. I was so sure about UVic until I got accepted to Guelph. Then I was leaning so hard toward Guelph and now I'm wavering a little bit again. This is so scary to me, and its beginning to stress me out. So here is my list of pros and cons, for all the world to see, in hopes that you guys will give me some advice. Read the list, then comment on what you think is best for me. After all, other people can often see in us what we can't see in ourselves, right?

UVic
+
Sweet campus
Nicer climate
Grandmas there
Brosefs there
Know a ton of people there already

-
Know a ton of people there already...
Won't see Ontario family like... EVER if I work in the summers
Expensive-ass housing


UofGuelph
+
Close to all my Ontario family
Close to Toronto, and my cottage!
Bigger adventure
Better school
Cheaper housing in 2nd 3rd and 4th years

-
It's far? I can't really think of too many...


I also feel like I know I would like Victoria. but if I go there, I'll never know if I would love Guelph. But if I go to Guelph and I don't love it, then I can always transfer to UVic...My lord this is difficult...

p.s.important to note that my Ontario family is like one of the most important things to me in my life sooo...yeah.


Fuck.

Spring Break!

I loved Spring Break. It was such a good one. So I'm going to do a classic + and - list, just to make it easy.lovelovelove.

+
Tim
No snow
Ocean
Brocean
Skinny Dipping
Ring Road Sleepover
Tower Sleepover =)
Andrew hugs
Sams pillow
Seeing Brynlee!
Meeting Abby
Meeting all the Ring Road Crew
CURTY!
Mike&Mike
G-mas stories
and a bazillion other things

-
Lack of bunnies at UVIC
blisters! (but not from the mystic vale this year)

Hey you! Who me?

I wrote about giving freely of myself a while ago, and how I wish I could to more people.

I feel like I finally did. And turns out, people kinda like me. Go figure...




p.s. this is totally my 100th post. wowwww

I got outta bed today starin at a ghost.

You know that one boy, that you just always have a little crush on? Because they just make you so happy every single time you're with them? I had a dream about that boy last night,and it was one of those dreams that is just the worst thing ever to wake up from. I'm seeing him next week, and it made me so nervous to see him. Because back in the day, when I saw him everyday he was just a friend. But the first time we hung out after he moved away I began to appreciate him way more. And it was one of those times where we had such a good day that I began to miss him as soon as he left. And then the second time we hung out after he moved away the same thing happened. And so I am so so excited to see him, but at the same time so scared because I don't like that instantly missing someone. Because it seems to hurt much more than missing someone after a while.And then the time leading up to when you're going to see them is equally as bad. I simply cannot wait. Hopefully I will be able to contain my excitement. But, we all know me...

He wore a kilt to his grad. Like seriously? My dream boy.

Hello shining blue

Prayin for my compadres in Japan.
Miss and love you all!

あなたは安全です願っています

Noones in doubt that the children singing all too soon will be women and men

I am so so proud that womens ensemble won superior. We didn't rehearse all that much, and we stumbled the fuck through psalm 100 but we had enough skill, and especially enough passion to win it anyways.

And so, I got thinking about all my music teachers and groups since I was little, and how special they all are to me.

I started playing violin when I was 4, after being envious of my brothers violin for about 2 years, so my parents put me into lessons with Wan Tsai Chen who was my teacher for 11 years after that. I started on a box and ruler, and over those 11 years worked myself up to a full sized violin. After that, I went for lessons with Elisa Janz for one year, and then I stopped. I miss it.

When I was in grade 4,5 and 6 I was in the Cambrian Heights school choir, since we were forced to sit on the little carpet in the music room and sing songs written on chart paper. Now, most elementary school choirs are a joke and have a teacher that basically knows nothing but (not to be vain or anything) ours was awesome. In grade.5 we went to a little music competition and we won 500$ up against some junior high school bands and some other choirs too. Ms.Dofoo was amazing, and she inspired me. Without her, I wouldn't be doing what I do today. When I was 9, we were singing a bunch of songs from Oliver and Ms.Dofoo held auditions for a solo of "where is love" I remember one day I was on the way to violin and I was singing it in the car, and I was like mom, I'm auditioning for this solo, do you think I'll get it? And she said chyeah brah. OKay maybe she didn't use those exact words, but the point is, I got the solo. So I did that, and that was the beginning of the rest of my life! Basically. Then at the beginning of the next year, we were singing at the remembrance day assembly and Dofoo didn't want to have to do auditions so early in the year so she just asked me to do it. So I sang thaaat solo, and then my ego was huge, and remains so to this day. Except not actually. But maybe a little.

Anyways, then in gr.7 i joined the Calgary Children's choir and have been there ever since. And we put on an amazing concert tonight. I never thought that I got the same performing rush from choir than from musical theatre, but I actually do. I'm just so happy that we did so well and our focus and again our passion shone through. Marni has inspired me. Since I joined choir 6 years ago I haven't lost any of the love for music that I had, and in fact I think I've gained a lot.Some of my best memories are from choir, and almost all of the best nights of my life include music. Party nights and all those things can't even compare to the feeling of singing at the top of your lungs right beside parliament hill on Canada day night. Or driving down a bumpy road in hawaii singing somewhere over the rainbow with a ton of people who mean so much to you. ORhaving a tiny talent show on an outdoor stage in Japan. There is nothing that makes me happier and I am so fortunate to have all those people in my life, and to have had all these amazing experiences. Those times have shaped me to be who I am. And I will never forget them.

xoxoxo

If you trust in me I can be that through anything you need

I don't like that I don't trust people much anymore.I don't know if I ever did.Grade 3 fucked shit up I think. I've been working on finding a balance between being nice and not being a pushover since then. And I go too far on both sides every time I try to change it. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot of the time. When I'm happy. Or excited. But not many people know when I'm sad. Or mad. Except in the blog world. Then everyone knows.

But I don't like hurting people. So I don't like telling people when I'm mad. Or upset.And I'm also scared that they won't come back if I scare them away. If someone is mad at me, I'll almost always come crawling back. I let people push me around. and it's almost all because I want to please people. Like that stupid personality test said. I don't want to hurt peoples feelings, so I sacrifice my own happiness for that.

Blech, I don't even have anything to say. Just be nice to me. And be a good friend. And be excellent to eachother. For serious.

Have you seen her all in gold?

www.colorquiz.com
I had to try this.
I just clicked on some colours. Yo.

Your Existing Situation

"Creative and emotional, looking for ways to further expand those qualities. Looking for a partner who enjoys the same activities. Seeking adventure and new and unusual activities."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of herself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover.

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Your Desired Objective

"Looking to make a good impression and be recognized for her achievements. she has a strong need to feel appreciated and look up to. she is very sensitive and will be hurt if she is rejected, unnoticed, or not given adequate acknowledgement."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."


This must be why I don't like when people are mad at me. And I wonder if it makes everyone as upset as it makes me. I don't want it to fester ever. And I don't like when my brother is mad at me. Or my friends. Or when I want to let eveything out but when I know some people won't like it, and that I won't be accepted/liked.
I don't like that about me.
I do like that I'm real.
Unless I'm too scared to be...

Tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'

I never blame fate. But I often thank it. When something good happens I can say that was meant to be. But when something bad happens, it's just not as easy to believe. It's like god. I'm a christian, but in the past... year I suppose it's been really hard to believe. Recent events have made me question the validity of my religion, but I don't want to let it go anyways because I feel there will always be a part of me that believes. And there will always be that 9 year old inside me who was scared of dying in her sleep that prayed so hard every night, and repeats the same prayer, just by habit in her head every night.

Shit happens.

Thats just part of life. Everybody knows it, and I don't think anyone denies it either. I don't think anyone thinks the world is perfect. Even naive children have fears, whether they come from the unknown, or from the warnings from parents, teachers, and maybe even'the big kids'. But the world is a beautiful place. No matter how bad it gets, it can always get better.

I was reading your old blogs and I almost cried. I can't even fathom anymore those weak, helpless feelings I felt for the better part of last year.I don't mean that I forget. I know what they feel like. Reading those blogs made them all rush back pretty quickly. I just mean that I can't believe that I felt that way for so long. And you felt a lot of the same things I did. So that makes me wonder if it was fate. Or luck. Or devine intervention. But then, if I think about everything it could have been, I also think... Why should I have to choose? It happened. And i am happy again. And I have been happy for a long time now. This is not one of those tiny little waves I got every once in a while last year. I believe this is permanent. At least until... whatever it is, decides to send me another little suprise. But I've grown up so much since this all began. I've learned so much. I've become more independant, even if I do make my parents make me pb&j still.

I believe in Valentines day. We get a little busy sometimes, and we forget to remind those we love that we really do love them. Sometimes we just need a little push.

I don't believe in Valentines day. I believe in loving everyday. I believe in being mushy, and cheesy, but not because we're told to, or that we think we should be, but because thats the only way we can let out whats in our heart.

So I love you. I love whoever is reading this, because if you've made it this far, you might just care a little about what I have to say. And I appreciate that.

Bust mostly, I love YOU. You changed my entire highschool experience. Without you, I could still be in that state that I don't even want to think about anymore. I could still be searching around at lunch, remembering the days when everything was easy. Wanting to go back to my childhood where I didn't have to deal with all that bullshit. I could still be crying. Okay... I lied, I am crying. But it's because I am remembering the bad times. But the important thing is, is that those times are in the past. And we have more adventures in the future. I know I say I love you too much. And I know it loses some meaning because of that. But When I say it, every single time I say it to you, I mean it. Reading your blogs, I was sad that you weren't around for Nick. And That I wasn't around for Ira. I was sad that we met when we did. But at the same time, I was so happy we met when we did. Maybe because of that, we are as close as we are now. If fate was in charge, I think it waited until we were grown up enough to meet eachother. And mature enough to watch sophisticated films such as Bill and Ted and use vast vocabulary such as heinous and bodacious. I'm lucky to have you around. And I wanted to tell you I loved you, on February 15th. And its as true as it ever has been and ever will be.

Oh, and just before I forget... be excellent to eachother.

We were strangers at one point

I wish we were childhood friends.
Think of the adventures we could have had...

Painfully slow enough

Sometimes the tears just well up in your eyes, but they never fall. But sometimes, theres just too many tears and no matter how hard you try not to blink, the tears will eventually be too much for your head to hold and they will fall by themselves. Leaving you with tear stains on your cheeks so everyone can see how you really feel. Even through silent sobs and deep breaths, they'll know. And sometimes, the music overthrows you. And you don't know what to do with your body but you just move and it knows.And even when it doesn't turn out perfect, the passion in there shines through and makes it amazing anyways. And sometimes that can fix a lot of things. At least in your mind. And if you can remember that moment, and remember the full feeling in your heart it can help a lot.

The word annex reminds me of Anne Frank, so it scares me

I write blogs in my head first during the day sometimes, and by the time I get to writing them those thoughts are gone. But the important ones stay.

...

I bet you're regretting that moment.
I bet you're regretting making that decision.
But you didn't know that this would happen. You couldn't know.
I hope you're not beating yourself up for making that choice.
I hope you have hope.
I hope you can see the bright side of everything, even though, especially now it is very very hard.
I hope you have faith in your god, or whatever.
I hope you have faith in science.
I hope you have faith in the people who want to help you.
I just really hope you have hope.
I hope love can help the healing process.
I hope that the future is promising, and that you will power through and use everything you have for the best
I hope that this is all a dream and you're really okay.

This puts everything into perspective.It makes me notice every time someone is complaining now.This makes us all come together a little more. This makes us all realize that we can't take the little things for granted. And not just the little things, but EVERYTHING.

I'm hoping. and I'm praying. and I have faith that the future will help you.
Stay strong, and stay positive.
We're all here for you.
xoxo

Diary of a kid lacking wisdom teeth

Now that I've had the experience, I would like to share some tips with all my good friends who will have to endure this in the future.

1. EAT. First few days, I couldn't really eat, so I just didn't but then I got all weak and lost 10 pounds and I could barely walk. I really don't know how anorexic people do it... I want real food so bad right now. After 6 days, I am pretty done with liquids. But seriously, get some food in your gullet and you will feel much less...wobbly

2. Don't fall behind on your pain killers! Codeine will not make most people very high contrary to popular belief and if you follow the dosing, you won't just suddenly get addicted so don't be afraid of it or something. IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC.

3. Speaking of pills, take the disgusting antibiotics, no matter how hard they are to swallow. Blech they're like horse pills

4. Only be a vegetable for like 2 or 3 days. Then you have to get up and drop the icepacks so the swelling will go down. Unfortunately, even after going to school I am still a chipmunk, fuck.me.

5. Speaking of icepacks, keep those babies on for the first 48 hours. They help pain, but mostly they just keep the swelling down a bit.

6. DO THE NASTY RINSE. You don't want no infection. I'll smack a bitch if I get one. That being said, I needa go take my antibiotic! Wahoo!

Slow down, you move too fast

I was thinking last night that after Tuesday, I'm half way done grade 12 and I only have 5 months left until life as I know it is over. So for about half a millisecond I was like sweet, I'll be done high school! Then a little wave of panic rushed over me and said "oh wait Katie, you're terrified of change. You don't even want your parents to paint over the wall that shows how tall you were when you were 10." And just writing about this now, I can feel that knot in my stomach return.

I am so set on leaving, because I want to experience what Jeff and Sarah and Brynlee and Emily and Nick and everyone else who has left me to go to university is experiencing. But I decided I am going to cherish what we have left of highschool anyways. However stressed it makes me, however annopying teenagers can be and however many times I say "I can't wait for this to be over" Because my friends, this is supposed to be the best year of our forced-education-life. Although, grade 10 was bumpin' so it's gonna be hard to beat that, but with all my dudes and brahs and such it should be a wild one. My last 6 months of childhood shall never be forgotten!

Lets get drunk.
jk...

Its like forgetting the words to... YOUR IDENTITY

Woah Woah, Hold the phone. I heard about the new Zodiac sign thing before, but I thought mine didn't change. Turns out everyone's changed! And that is just not cool,space. I read Lyndsays blog about it, and she said she felt lame for writing a blog about this. BUT THIS NEEDS TO BE SAID. Lets review.

My "new sign" that I, like everyone else is going to reject is Taurus. Here is a little bit about Taurus

The characteristics of taurus are solidity, practicality, extreme determination and strength of will - no one will ever drive them, but they will willingly and loyally follow a leader they trust. They are stable, balanced, conservative good, law-abiding citizens and lovers of peace, possessing all the best qualities of the bourgeoisie. As they have a sense of material values and physical possessions, respect for property and a horror of falling into debt, they will do everything in their power to maintain the security of the status quo and be somewhat hostile to change.


My "old sign" which I intend to keep is Gemini. Here is a little bit about Gemini

Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is dual-natured, elusive, complex and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and flightiness. The sign is linked with Mercury, the planet of childhood and youth, and its subjects tend to have the graces and faults of the young. When they are good, they are very attractive; when they are bad they are more the worse for being the charmers they are. Like children they are lively, and happy, if circumstances are right for them, or egocentric, imaginative and restless. They take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project as apparently purposelessly as a butterfly dancing from flower to flower. To them life is a game which must always be full of fresh moves and continuous entertainment, free of labor and routine. Changing horses in the middle of the stream is another small quirk in the Gemini personality which makes decision making, and sticking to a decision, particularly hard for them.

First of all,if you know me at all, you will agree that Gemini suits me much better. Second of all, those two signs are like opposites. How am I supposed to switch after 17 years of being a Gemini? Well, I do not know mr.astrologer but I say SUCK IT.
Good day.

It was your heart on the line

I am so content. Theres something about getting new music that makes me so happy. Having new sounds flow into my ears is so exciting. And makes my whole body smile. I like that someone made those sounds and arranged those notes and those words just so that people would listen to it.Each individual sound has existed before. But they're never quite the same. The number of arrangements that came from a scale of essentially 8 notes is infinite. And I think that's pretty fantastic. Each song has existed since the moment the artist finished it, and it could take years and years for it to reach my ears. Its like meeting new people, and then leaving them. You have been on the earth. And they have been on the earth. And at a certain point, your paths cross and you exist in that moment together. And up until that moment, you had no idea they existed, but after that moment you could miss them with all your heart if you so choose. Or maybe you don't choose, but you do anyways because your heart wants to. Because a lot of the time, your heart knows better than your mind. And maybe thats why music can make us feel so good, even if we don't understand it all. Maybe it goes through your ears and straight to your heart. And then is sent to your bloodstream to pulse all around your body, until finally the blood gets to your brain and you understand.

Hey now, that was supposed to be a secret

I was going to write a blog last week about how I was very unimpressed with postsecret that week. Not only because the secrets were boring, and should have been about new years, but because there was one secret that someone posted and the e-mail underneath it was bashing it. I thought that was the very oppostie point of postsecret. How will people want to share their secrets if others won't accept them for what they are? This week however, postsecret redeemed itself a little bit. Except the one that was about hating people who wear TOMS.



TOMS are the bomb brah! The one under it was about chicken mcnuggets though, which remind me of me bebe and so I liked that one. Plus, McDonalds really is the best cure for anything. Except obesity. And like cholesterol. I don't think its too helpful for that.




Also, I had my english exam today, which marked the end of my wakeful marathon! (woohoo) aka. the number of days in a row I didn't get to sleep in. Stupid Renert. So tomorrow, I plan to sleep until 2. My body probably won't let me now that its used to waking up, but I'll make it happen.

I finally did some university applications. Scariest thing ever. I wonder what I would do if I didn't get in anywhere. Probably crawl into a hole and then proceed to become a nomad.That won't happen though. Because I'm going to have a bright future. Yes, thats it. But if it DID... Maybe I'd move to Australia and be homeless there. Or somewhere hot. I'm pretty done with this cold deal. Speaking of cold, I am freezing right now so I am going to terminate this blog and go cuddle in my bed with my favorite new thing:my iPod speakers. Best gift ever.
xox

2011 and such.

I keep meaning to write a blog ever since I got home from Mexico, but I haven't had any time at all so now that I have no math test tomorrow I consider that some time fro some R&R and consequently blog writing.

So, to start I want to not dwell on things this year, and I want to have an awesome last semester of highschool. Thats pretty much my only new years resolution. Plus my top secret one that is just for me so I can fufill the first one. haha

Really I just want to blog about Mexico. I just want to talk about Mexico. And I HATE when people do that, and are like, that guy who talks about their trip so much so I'll try to get some of it out in this blog. MJ says she thought I changed since I came back from Mexico and Katherine says she feels different and Kaitlyns friends told her she was different too. Like, what the fuck how and why would you change from a week of getting drunk basically? WEll, this is my theory. In Mexico, everyone got a fresh start because there was all these new people they didn't even know. So everyone was 100% real. Except for the part where we were all lying about our age and stuff... But that's different! Anyways, Kaitlyn and I decided that people in our homelands can't tolerate the real us, and we just never realized until after Mexico how much we hold back in the real world. Thats our theory anyways. Everyone who reads this blog will disagree because you are probably the people who see the real me all the time anyways.haha
xoxo!

Anyways, Mexico was the best trip ever. Okay, not ever, because Japan was fucking siiick but Mexico was just like, very different. It was like going to camp, except instead of camp things, you just tanned and got drunk, and got to hang out with the coolest people ever. You can't really get too much better than that. Sick trip. I can't even describe it, I'm just gonna have to dougie it on out.